For years it has been believed that men are intimidated by intelligent women, leading to these women being less likely to find a man who will love them, let alone get married and have a family. But Dr. Whelan shatters that myth in her book. She proves that smart, successful women marry at the same rates as other women, assuring millions of American SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse) that they have no reason to doubt themselves. Dr. Whelan spoke about her book to Today's Zaman. In the interview you will be surprised to learn that how intelligent women have the upper hand in the marriage market now -- and in every other arena of life.
How did the idea for the book emerge?
In January 2005 I read an op-ed by Maureen Dowd in The New York Times that argued smart, successful women were less likely to marry. Men were looking for quiet, subordinate types that they didn't have to talk to, Dowd argued. I'd just finished my Ph.D. and I was single. I was worried. Maureen Dowd's column and dozens of other newspaper articles worldwide were citing studies that said women with high IQs were less likely to marry and women who excelled in their jobs were less likely to have children. If this was correct, a growing number of high-achieving women in their 20s and 30s would be facing a real problem. More than three times as many women receive masters, doctoral or professional degrees now than did in 1970. Women now make up 57 percent of college classes and nearly 50 percent of law school and medical school classes. And young women in their 20s and 30s are climbing high in corporate, non-profit, educational and other prestigious jobs. Was it true that educated, driven young women were less likely to marry? Were men intimidated by us because of our degrees or our jobs? Did men really want to be with a docile helpmeet rather than an equal? The social scientist in me knew better than to accept conventional wisdom without data to back it up. So I started doing my own research. I looked at the most recent data I could find -- the US Census's Current Population Survey, which is a yearly survey of more than 50,000 households nationwide. Using this large and nationally representative sample -- instead of just a few scattered studies here and there -- I created a picture of demographic marriage trends in the United States today. And I was surprised, and thrilled, to find that there was good news. Today's smart, successful women marry at the same rates as all other women -- they just do so a little bit later.
For years, there's been a popular conception that men are intimidated by intelligent women. Why is that? Is it a true just for American men or a universal fact?
For women of previous generations -- including our mother's generation -- it was true that well-educated, successful women were less likely to marry. According to the 1980 US Census, a woman with a graduate degree was twice as likely to have never married between the ages of 25 and 34 as a woman who had a college degree or less -- and twice as likely to have no children at home by age 40 as women with a high-school degree or some college.
For young women today, that "success penalty" has disappeared. High education and income now have little negative effect on marriage rates for women, and in many situations, they can be a bonus. Still, dating is difficult. It usually takes a lot of dull, strange or even painful dating experiences to meet Mr. Right. That's true for all women, but it always seems worse when it's your personal life. Times have changed, but our perceptions haven't.
Has that perception really changed?
The conventional wisdom is that men are intimidated by smart, successful women; and that's just not true for this generation of young, accomplished women. Both men and women are looking for a partner, someone who shares their dreams and goals. Ninety percent of men say they married -- or are looking to marry -- a woman who is as or more intelligent. While I'm sure some men are still looking for women to play fetch for them, there's certainly no shortage of men who would prefer to volley with an equal.
How did this happen?
Women outnumber men in most colleges and many graduate programs nationwide and women are making major strides in the workplace. Young men have grown up seeing women as their peers in school and in the workforce. And let's also give credit where it's due: this generation of young men was the first where many of their mothers worked outside the home throughout their entire childhood. As one man said to me in an interview, "If your mother is a success, you don't have any ideas of success and family that exclude a woman working."
Was it true that smart women were less likely to marry? What are the myths about successful women? Why is it believed that successful men are romantically interested only in their secretaries?
According to the men I interviewed and surveyed, today's smart young men are looking for an intelligent, passionate, self-confident, driven and fun woman. Nearly three-quarters of men in my survey said a woman's career or educational success makes her more desirable as a wife. In short, gentlemen prefer brains.
What do you think about the idea that 'American men have options but American women do not'?
SWANS need to realize that smart men come in all sorts of different packages. In the past, women needed to marry for financial security. Today women have the option of marrying for love and compatibility -- and for high-achieving women, this may mean thinking outside the box a bit. If you're a high-flying corporate lawyer, perhaps you might want to marry a man with a more flexible schedule. If you're an investment banker, maybe a more creative and artistic type would bring out a new side of you.
SWANS are marrying older men, younger men -- and branching out to date and marry men outside their race and religion. There's no shortage of wonderful men out there, but when women achieve great success, garner more education on average than men and are equal to men in the workforce, "marrying up" just isn't practical anymore.
It's not about getting married, it's about meeting the right person and having a happy marriage. Both men and women need to search for an equal, but complementary, life partner.
What do you think about the idea that' most Western men are dismayed by the lack of sincerity of Western women'?
I don't think this is true at all!
What is the rate of divorce in the US? What do you think the main reasons are?
Divorce rates are very hard to pinpoint -- and it depends on education. In fact, college graduates are less likely to divorce, and more specifically, families with highly educated mothers are half as likely to split: only 16.5 percent of marriages in which the wife had a college education or more dissolved in the first 10 years, compared with 38 percent where the wife had only a high school diploma.
What do successful women expect from men, generally?
Both men and women are looking for a life partner, not someone to fill a specific cultural role. From opinion surveys during the last century, it's clear that men care less about a woman's housekeeping skills now than they did in the past -- and more about her ability to earn income. And women care less about a man's success and ambition and more about his willingness to help around the house and be actively involved with their children.
Is it true that American women are most likely to believe in feminism and 'equality'? Do you think that it bores American men?
Equality within marriage is the goal for most American men and women -- how each couple defines "equality" is a different question. Traditional gender roles are still intact in many marriages -- women still do more housework than men and are still assumed to be the primary caregivers of children and elderly family members.
Is it true that American men generally prefer foreign-born women for both dating and marriage?
Most people date and marry someone who is similar to themselves -- the idea that "opposites attract" is generally untrue. So while more educated men and women are certainly more likely to date and marry outside their race, religion or ethnic background, for the most part, it is still the minority of couples who choose to do that.
What are the first impressions about your book? What do you think about Turkish men?
I think Turkish men and women should be excited by this data -- these changes in dating and marriage patterns mean stronger families and more opportunities for both men and women to live out their personal goals.
The last question: are you married?
Yes.
Can you give us some information about this lucky gentleman?
Because of my research, I became increasingly confident in my good fortune as one of the SWANS. The odds were that things would indeed work out for me in finding not just a husband, but the love of my life. Shortly after starting my research, I went to a black-tie charity fundraiser in New York City and met a wonderful man named Peter. He was handsome and funny and six months younger. He wanted to be a public interest lawyer; he read philosophy books and spun house music as an amateur DJ. I was fascinated. And on the night we met, we closed out a local bar as we talked until 5:30 a.m. Ever the subtle seductress, I gave him my business card.
On our first date, he asked what kind of book I was writing, and without thinking, I told the truth. The data looks good, I said. Smart women marry at the same or higher rates, but the media seems to say that women like me with smarts won't ever get married. God bless him, he didn't run out the door right then and there in search of a less threatening woman (or one who wouldn't bring up marriage on a first date.) He and I talked about the data and he encouraged me to go with the numbers, not the media reports. He also encouraged me to go out on another date with him. This very smart man and I were married on June 16, just a few weeks shy of my 30th birthday. I'm living proof of my good news message: smart men do marry smart women, a little bit later in life. And gentlemen do prefer brains.
